(Original at http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~kovar/realtek.html.)

Antagonism

Computer: You have installed a new network card.

Lucas: That is correct.

Computer: It is a RealTek8026.

Lucas: No, that is the card I just replaced.

Computer: I am now looking for drivers for your RealTek8026.

Lucas: You don't understand. I just removed the RealTek8026. I now have a DLink510.

Computer: I have found a driver for your RealTek8026. Shall I install it?

Lucas: But it's not a...fine, whatever make you happy.

Computer: I have updated the driver and will now restart.

Lucas: Whatever.

Computer: [restarts]

Lucas: Get me myth5, please.

Computer: I can't. Your RealTek8026 isn't behaving as it should.

Lucas: Of course not, dumbass. Like I said, I have a DLink510.

Computer: Check the Properties/Drivers menu on your hard drive icon.

Lucas: Okay. Yes, I know that you think it's a RealTek8026, but...no, never mind. Remove that RealTek.

Computer: Done. I will now reboot. [pause] I have found new hardware.

Lucas: Yes. It is my DLink510.

Computer: It is a RealTek8026. I am looking for drivers...

Lucas: IT'S NOT A FUCKING REALTEK.

Computer: I have found a driver. Shall I use it?

Lucas: No. Use the driver on this disk.

Computer: Okay. Ah, I see that this is a driver for a DLink510.

Lucas: Indeed it is. That's what I have. The card you are looking at is a DLink510, not a RealTek8026. My old card was a RealTek8026, but I am now holding it up in front of you. See? Clearly, the card inside the computer is not a RealTek8026. Do you understand?

Computer: Sure.

Lucas: [attempts to log on and fails] Why isn't this working?

Computer: Boy, you got me. I think your RealTek8026 is acting up.

Lucas: What?

Computer: Perhaps you put it in wrong or something.

Lucas: Listen, asshole, I'm not going to say it again. I have a DLink. The driver I gave you is for a DLink. Look - see this device profile? It's for a DLink! You say so yourself!

Computer: Do you want me to freeze up on you?

Lucas: Don't you try to threaten me, you sack of shit.

Computer: [freezes up]

Lucas: [restarts] I dare you to do that again.

Computer: [freezes up]

Lucas: GOD DAMN [restarts] I'M GONNA SMASH YOUR FUCKING HEAD LIKE A DRY EGGSHELL.

Computer: [amusedly] Hey, guess what I just detected! It's a RealTek8026!

Lucas: Yeah, yeah, keep it up and see what it gets you.

Lucas: [shuts down machine] [removes DLink card, noting that "DLink" is clearly written on the central chip] [restarts computer] Well, do you see any RealTek's now?

Computer: RealTek? What's that?

Lucas: If I do a search for RealTek, or rt, or 8026, I'm not going to find any bullshit files hidden in this pathetic, bloated OS, am I?

Computer: Of course not.

Lucas: [searches] [finds nothing] Excellent. Perhaps you were just confused.

Computer: Hm. Could be.

Lucas: [shuts down] [reinserts DLink510] [restarts]

Computer: I have located some new hardware. It is a RealTek8026. I am now searching...

Lucas: DAMN YOU TO HELL.

Computer: ...for drivers for this device. Look, I've found three. Which shall I choose from?

Lucas: This isn't funny, you filthy cocksucker. Tell you what: I'll switch my DLink to a different slot.

Computer: What's a DLink? All I see is this RealTek8026. Shall I load up a driver for...

Lucas: [shuts down] [swaps slots] [double-checks that "DLink" is written on this card and "RealTek" is written on the card lying on the floor] [restarts]

Computer: I have found new hardware. It is a DLink510 Ethernet adapter.

Lucas: Excellent! It certainly is!

Computer: Ha ha, no, I was kidding. In fact it is a RealTek8026.

Lucas: YOU FUCKING LOAD OF SHIT, WHY ARE DOING THIS TO ME?

Computer: What? I can't hear you. I'm all frozen up! [freezes up]

Lucas: [restarts] Man. A $1700 piece of crap. I could buy crap for $5 a bag back in Illinois, but here in California it goes for $1700.

Computer: Glory be, what is this that I detect? It appears to be a RealTek8026! A fine company, that RealTek. Shall I show you the wide array of drivers available for your RealTek8026?

Lucas: Fuck you. [goes to bed]